2018

I hate school. It’s funny because I liked it more when I lived in Texas. I don’t think people who live in one place their whole lives can really appreciate the people they know. At least I didn’t–I was so excited to move, so ready for a fresh start.

But I got my hopes up too high. In a school with two thousand people, I was invisible. No one cared about me, and I shouldn’t have expected anyone to. I delude myself with stupid fantasies. There are stories of the new girl making close friends on the first day of school, but those things don’t exist. At least not in any one of the seven times I’ve moved. Did I seriously expect some random girl to come up me and be like ‘I’m a loner too, let’s be friends and do shit together?’ No, not happening. Reality is a cold bitch who doesn’t spare a thought for anyone’s feelings.

I sound so bitter, but you know what? It could’ve been worse for me. I know I’m lucky to play volleyball and have met people through that. And it’s ironic because I complain about being lonely, yet when a friend (more like my only friend) texted me about going to some trampoline thing, I told her that I was too lazy to haul my ass off the sofa. It was true, except I didn’t tell her that I was too engrossed in a Chinese drama that I was watching, focused on reading the subtitles and glaring at it every time I spotted a translation error.

I really should have been studying for my midterm exams instead. That’s another thing that I hate about myself. I’m the laziest human being in the world if you couldn’t tell. I’m so unmotivated to go to school. I blame the world for things that I really should be blaming myself for. I’m truly a hypocrite, and I wear it like a badge.

The truth is, I’m so sick and tired of acting this way. I desperately wish that I could be more motivated to study and please my teachers and at least make an effort. But no, I’m too lazy once again. For the first time in my existence, I got a C+ for my final grade in Spanish. Two years ago, I would’ve hated myself for that. But now, I don’t care. I just can’t bring myself to care. I just can’t.

Wattpad is my escape from reality. Whenever I have a tough time with school or my family, that is the site I always go to.

I’ve been having nightmares lately. The ones you still remember after waking up. The ones that chill your bones and make you appreciate the world around you a little more. The ones that seem so real you confuse them with reality, somehow. I’ve been having these kinds of dreams for the past three days.

The first one was odd. There was a lot of darkness, lots of people targeting me. It was like a horror movie with no end. This guy, Marley, was in it. Odd thing is that I never talked to him before. I didn’t feel like myself when I talked to him in my dream. There was a lot of darkness though, and it all took place in a building that I couldn’t get out of for some reason. If I think hard about it, I remember wooden planks. Maybe an unnecessary detail.

The second dream took place in a grocery store. It was one and a half hours before volleyball practice, and my mom and I went to get some food to eat. We were trapped though. I think I even stole some food because they wouldn’t let us get any unless we had a certain number of these cards. So the next thing I know, I’m punching some girl in the restroom and after that, texting a teammate, Erin or Emma, from my volleyball team about how I’m in a ‘fucking mess’ or something like that. Then my dad suddenly appears, which is also weird. That’s all I remember.