11/24/22
It’s a terrible feeling, wanting to so desperately do something but physically unable to do so. Pushing through the pain, thinking if I could just bear it a little longer, go a little farther–if I could just treat it as a challenge, I’d be able to overcome anything. But I’ve learned that physical pain doesn’t work like that. It’s not something to be proud of, being able to withstand the pain until it hurts too much and it doesn’t just affect me physically but mentally and emotionally as well. It probably took me twice as long to walk halfway to the grocery store. It almost feels shameful to see other people walking normally to their destinations, while I’m carefully placing one foot in front of another, hobbling, not wanting to trigger another wave. Sometimes I have to stand by the side of the road and squeeze my eyes shut and press my frozen fingers against my temple in hopes of numbing the stabbing. They don’t know how much they take it for granted, being able to just walk and go anywhere they want. I can’t even make a 10 minute trip to the grocery store without struggling. It is difficult, shameful and frustrating. I recently started a new painkiller, diclofenac sod er. I wouldn’t dare to take ibuprofen with it, but how I wish I could.
12/02/22
If I could choose which of my senses to lose first, it would be taste. I’ve always wanted to be skinnier. I enjoy food quite a bit, but being called a foodie gives me a sense of shame, as if I’m indulging myself too much. Although people have told me that I'm skinny, I do not see how I am any thinner than them. I wouldn’t mind losing my sense of smell either. It wasn’t any good in the first place, except for picking up the scent of cigarettes. But the thing I would dread losing the most is my sense of sight. I keep on living because of the idea of what life brings. I want to travel, I want to watch TV, I want to have fun. But I can’t do all that if I can’t see beautiful things in reality or on the screen. If I can’t see anything, what is even real anymore? Can I enjoy shopping if I can’t see how pretty I look in clothes anymore? I worry a lot because everything is so uncertain and I feel like I have a lot left to lose. I am rather insecure with myself and my standing in this world. I do not have blind hope or faith in anything. I fear the worst-case scenarios and it’s wearing my spirit away. It is no wonder people are getting tired of me because I too am getting tired of myself. It’s exhausting living like this, but I am simply ridden by fear and anxiety over the unknown.
I took a light nap today. There was nothing else I felt like doing. I had a vivid dream of my neurologist’s office calling me, and of me trying to talk to the receptionist. The connection kept breaking and I couldn’t hear her. I forced myself awake. I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety around missing important calls these days. I feel like a headless chicken chasing an invisible deadline.
